The Athletties: Luke Schenn, Eater of Worlds (2024)

BEST MISSION IMPOSSIBLE

Playoff chances as of Sunday. Habs and Avs positioned to grab last spots https://t.co/Xm8baqGqGI pic.twitter.com/Kp0YDiDmJi

— MoneyPuck.com (@MoneyPuckdotcom) March 24, 2019

“Relax Travis, it’s much worse than you think.”

Like a ‘Missed Connections” post on Craigslist, the Canucks’ chances at the postseason were never something you took seriously. Sure, they were on the Skytrain with the playoffs, and yeah maybe they smiled at the Canucks once or twice while they were talking to their friend, but let’s be real here: We all knew the playoffs would take divine intervention. And since clearly sports miracles aren’t exactly a Vancouver strong point, I don’t think too many were dreaming of a 2019 postseason run.

For some reason the Hockey Gods’ favourite activity listed on their Tinder profile is “pushing the hopes and dreams of Canucks fans down some stairs while laughing and eating beef jerky.” but to their credit, at least it won’t come in the form of a first-round loss this time.

If you’re wondering if I’m picturing Brock Lesnar and Zach Gowen right now, you would be correct.

Yes, sadly the NHL playoffs were looking past the Canucks on the train, instead looking at the hunk in the Tampa Bay jersey. The guy flexing his arms, the one who smelt slightly of hard work and money and, oh I don’t know, the ocean.

They never noticed the Canucks standing up and politely giving up their seat to the Dallas Stars. Or the Canucks taking the time to tell the Avalanche which stop to get off for the postseason. The NHL playoffs will never know the fact the Canucks would have made them amazing pancakes in the morning.

No, they’ll never know because before Sunday’s game the Canucks’ chances of making the playoffs were .44 per cent. Not 44, zoom in and really take in that decimal.

Better yet, take a look at the chart. I like it because it’s colourful and you see all these big wide lines showing off playoff chances, like roads, and then you find Vancouver’s name and you wonder why they don’t have a line. Then you realize they have a line, it’s just really incredibly tiny, so small you could house a centre for kids who can’t read well and want to learn how to do other stuff well, too.

Now I might not have majored in math, but after Sunday’s loss, those playoff odds, I can confidently say they did not go up. But we still have a season to play out, and sure, maybe a miracle happens and the Canucks pull off a run that Disney buys the movie rights to.

But the reality is we are firmly in the “play for next year, show the coaches what you bring to the table mode”, which means most of these games are showcases for the bubble players to earn jobs, either here or elsewhere.

Which if you watched Sunday’s game, yes, let’s all welcome Luke Schenn to the 2020 Vancouver Canucks, while we say goodbye to half the team?

It was not a good game.

It was terrible.

Really bad.

Awful.

Please keep reading, I beg of you, I have bills to pay.

BEST OBLIVION

Demko starts. Goldobin and Baertschi will play. Leivo (sick), Schaller healthy scratch. Brisbois day to day so Pouliot returns. #canucks

— Dan Murphy (@sportsnetmurph) March 24, 2019

“Is it possible to miss a place you’ve never been? To mourn a playoffs you’ve never lived?”

The big news of the day, back when we believed in things like happiness, fun hockey and the existence of goals, was the return of some of Canucks Nation’s more infamous names to the lineup.

You had Nikolay Goldobin finally getting a game after being healthy scratched multiple times in a row, which always guarantees an increase of at least 58 per cent in online fights between Canucks fans. Also if you enjoy debates about how important assists are, don’t worry because this game had none of them.

With Erik Gudbranson’s exit, Derrick Pouliot is now the king of “X amount of games since Pouliot caused a goal against” memes. At this point the dynamic between Pouliot and a large portion of Canucks fans is that of a relationship of convenience that’s finally run its course and now anytime Derrick does anything it makes people angry.

“Why would he close the bench door so slowly? Who does he think he is?”

Don’t get me wrong, his play this season has warranted criticism, but it feels like it’s the eighth player on the team where we now go, “wouldn’t it just be better for both sides if we all moved on?” which speaks to the current state of this roster.

And Sven Baertschi, a fellow whom Canucks fans generally really like and enjoy, finally returned after dealing with his concussion issues. Which maybe for a normal season might have been met with open arms.

Except this is pretty much a dead season at this point, which meant his return was met with some unease. As they always say, concussions are different for everyone, so it’s not like a broken arm where you can clearly say a guy is ready to go once you see him crushing Molson cans with his biceps in the hallway. But you have probably read countless stories of athletes pushing themselves back into the lineup despite not being fully healthy, so you just have to hope that both the team and player agreed that Sven was ready to go and could handle the rigours of NHL hockey.

But even if both sides agreed that Sven was good to go, the Canucks were facing a team desperate to make the NHL playoffs. In fact, there might not be a more desperate team in the NHL than the Columbus Blue Jackets, who went all in at the trade deadline like they were taking on Teddy KGB. And if you watched the game, you’ll know it got physical. If someone saw some numbers on a jersey Sunday, they were getting plastered into the boards.

May I present to the court exhibit A:

And while Baertschi went unscathed in this game, and it was nice to see him not shirk away from the physical play…

It’s kind of scary to think about what might happen if one of those Blue Jackets took down his number and decided to lay out a huge hit later in the game.

This is also not a situation where Baertschi is a free agent and maybe he needs to play some games to end the season to show that he’s not damaged goods so he can try and land a better contract. The Canucks have him locked in for two more years after this one so you would think hey, maybe Sven just takes the rest of the season off and gives his brain an even longer rest so he can come back strong and really rip it up in training.

Not to get overprotective on someone else’s behalf, Sven Baertschi is a grown man who can do what he wants and if he feels he was ready and good to go, all the more power to him. I just think most of Vancouver speaks out of concern for his well being, as athletes (nor the teams that employ them) don’t exactly have a sparkling record when it comes to putting health first. Just look down the road at Ryan Kesler putting his body together with pieces of debris that washed up on Huntington Beach and you can see an example of what some players will do to keep going even if it means potential long term health risks.

Anyways, back to Pouliot and that turnover, boy, what a stinker.

BEST LOSIN’ IT

“I’m not like ordinary guys. I’ve got more turnovers, or something. You know, like a male nymphomaniac.”

I will give credit to Pouliot, his motor was running this game. This wasn’t one of his bad games where he was passive behind the net, and he would come out front and turnover the puck and lead to a horrible goal against.

No, this was a Pouliot who was out there trying to make something happen, trying to turn the clock back to his Portland Winterhawks days. Look at the gif above and you’ll see Pouliot get his pass deflected but he keeps pursuit of it and takes the puck deep … only to have the puck come back the other way and turn into an odd-man rush against. It at least felt like Pouliot’s heart was in the right spot, especially for a team in dire need of an injection of energy in the offensive zone. Give me this Pouliot over passive Pouliot any day of the week.

Diving deeper into that gif, part of the issue was yes, Goldobin sees Pouliot scream by him and he doesn’t drop back to cover for him. Even worse, he sticks to the boards where even if he gets the puck, what’s he going to do with it there? It’s a slapstick comedian’s dream to have Goldobin look over at the empty seat his friend just jumped out of the plane from, and for five seconds to tick by before reality hits Goldy and he realizes nobody is piloting the aircraft anymore.

But once we look at the other Columbus goals you’ll see a common theme on the night is players making bad reads off each other. On this play it’s Pouliot being aggressive and having Goldobin not cover him, on another it’s Stecher backing off thinking Loui Eriksson has a guy covered only to find in a shock reveal that Loui Eriksson was dead the entire time:

If felt like any bounce that happened became a comedy of errors for the Canucks. Here it’s Horvat missing a puck, which leads to Pouliot being aggressive and pinching at centre ice for the puck, which leads to Loui Eriksson having to play defense, which leads Troy Stecher making the vital mistake of assuming Loui would play defense, and then before you know it, it’s 1-0 Columbus.

Watch the video and you can see Loui Samson drift over to cover Anderson before drifting away again, which causes Stecher to leave his man only to have to try and get back to cover Anderson again.

But why talk about just one goal when we can look at four more you ask?

BEST THE OUTSIDERS

I'm starting to think the playoff dreams may be over. #Canucks

— Dylan Nicholson (@radiocodex) March 25, 2019

3 regulation wins in 24 games against terrible teams. The last regulation win against a team that was in the playoffs was in early December. We haven't been above 1.7% chance at a playoff spot in a month and we should of been playing MacEwen & Gaudette 15+ min every game.

— Dean Priore (@priored) March 25, 2019

“Say goals, Ponyboy, say goals.”

For posterity sake, we will record these goals, but let’s break down them down quickly. Goal 1 was a turnover leading to a poor read, leading to a weird Eriksson decision leading to a goal. Goal 2 was a turnover leading to Edler’s waning gap control (name of my high school band), which led to enough room for Pierre-Luc Dubois to pick his spot, who was perhaps fuelled by his anger at Baertschi for making himself fall down in the first period? Either way, it was 2-0.

The third goal was more about bad puck luck, as Elias Pettersson hustles back to make the play, which of course leads to him and Edler getting turned around, which leads to Dzingel having an easy tap-in goal. If you’re Loui Eriksson you bring this video to Travis Green and show him how by not racing back to make defensive plays he’s actually helping the team. You can’t be burned defensively if you’re not being defensive!

This is another situation where teammates don’t really read each other that well, and it leads to the goal. Here we have young Sautner playing with a returning Baertschi, and in a case of bystander effect, neither one really takes Bjorkstrand, who again gets to pick his spot with ease.

And yes, this was Baertschi’s first game back, but if you watch his feet don’t move once he hits center ice. He floats back the entire way where if he takes even one stride he can break that play up. You can also hope Sautner just steps up to take the man because he doesn’t need to be drifting over to cover a guy Schenn clearly has covered. If you were a huge fan of the forgotten son of the Fast and Furious franchise Tokyo Drift, then Sunday was your night.

It was around this time some people began bagging on Demko, because it’s sports, and it’s what we do, we complain to fill the time. I will just say that Demko is very young and he’s playing behind a very bad team. This game honestly could have been 12-0 if it weren’t for him. Markstrom, for as good as he’s played, has not only had way more time to gain secret powers from Ian Clark, but he is 29, and he’s just now finally having a solid season. Sometimes it can take time to perfect your craft.

Also, Markstrom is used to this awful defence by now. Demko is still out there thinking his team is going to pick up the open man or stop the backdoor play. Markstrom is like the Transporter at this point, where he’s accounting for every single variable on the ice. If there is a scenario where the roof at Rogers Arena could collapse, leading to a hidden bottle of wine from Aquilini’s collection rolling onto the ice only to have the puck deflect in off of it, I assure you Markstrom has already planned for it. Demko isn’t quite there yet.

And the final goal of the game is yet again a turnover that leads to an odd-man rush against. Edler can’t keep the puck in at the boards, leaving Biega to defend a 2-on-1, and at this point I don’t think Columbus even cared what happened, but now it’s 5-0.

If this were a game where players were trying to make pitches for next season, or trying to showcase their inner pride, then yes, it failed terribly.

Except for one man. One man who rose up to grab the sword out of the stone, to raise it above his head, and declare to the lands there is a new Hitz King in town…

BEST DAYS OF THUNDER

Is Luke Schenn pretty much what Gudbranson was supposed to be?

— Eric Frilund (@EricFrilund) March 25, 2019

“All right, While we’re still under caution, I want you to go back out on that ice and hit the ref.”

“Hit the ref?”

“Hit the ref.”

“What for?”

“Because you’ve hit every other goddamned thing out there, I want you to be perfect!”

I have quietly opined about the Canucks bringing back Luke Schenn next season, but now I am grabbing my megaphone and screaming it from the rooftops.

Bring back Luke Schenn.

You thought MDZ was the Hitz King? Pfft, he was but a mere street rat. Luke Schenn? The Human Eraser? This guy hits.

The physicality started when Josh Anderson ran over Alex Edler. This caused Luke Schenn to be that guy in beer league who yells, “So that’s how we’re playing? OK, good to know” before delivering hits on anything that moved.

In total, Schenn landed 12 hits in the game. But like, actual real hits. Not a tiny little shove that some bored statistician decides to record as a hit because why not, it’s Cal Clutterbuck.

No, these were real, honest to goodness why-did-he-just-maim-that-guy hits. Commodus could be seen licking his lips in the stands after each one.

For all the talk of Gudbranson being the sheriff out on the ice, give me the guy who once he sees the other team taking liberties with his teammates, decides its open season on throwing hits on everyone on the other side. This is the kind of player you want in the trenches with you.

And the hits, they weren’t born of desperation. Schenn wasn’t putting himself out of position to land a huge hit, sprinting across the ice trying to make it onto TSN’s Plays of the Night. This was Schenn calmly drawing a circle of death around himself and waiting patiently for anyone who dared test him. Not surprisingly, things calmed down after Schenn declared it open season on ducks, rabbits and Blue Jackets, and nobody felt the need for street justice on Edler’s behalf.

One of the things I have enjoyed about Schenn is that it feels like he’s truly learned his own strengths and weaknesses and tries to play within them. Don’t get me wrong, Schenn still loses the puck and makes some bad decisions, and his mobility is an issue. For the most part however, he has been nothing but a positive gain for this team in that bottom pairing role. Like on the play above, he’s not going to get into a foot race for the puck, he simply takes away all of the room and lands a big hit, both cutting off the angle to the puck, and dropping Dzingel. Simple, effective hockey.

Which leads to this point made by Satir:

I like what Schenn and Biega have done but the only reason we're as impressed as we are is the low bar we've been subject to on this Canucks defense

— Satiar Shah (@SatiarShah) March 25, 2019

While this tweet was born out of a very very truthful comment, it also ignores the fact that you know what, it’s nice to have a potential solid 5/6/7 d-man on the team. Especially one who can play the role that is highly valued by some (physicality) but doesn’t come at the price of horrendous play in their own end, or come with a huge contract. Like, this is a team that at one point hoped Yann Sauve could be a contributor on the back end. Maybe it’s OK to praise a veteran d-man who can come in and do a decent job in clean-up.

If you can bring back Schenn on a good value contract next year, I am 100 per cent on board with this. And hey, maybe next year Schenn plays poorly and this was the peak of his Canucks career. At the very worst you’ve at least tried something new, and you’ve moved away from a defence that is clearly in need of a shuffling next season.

BEST LEGEND

schenn's hits just tonight would slide him into a tie here with archibald pic.twitter.com/BNvGPuc1Yp

— Jason Botchford (@botchford) March 25, 2019

Luke Schenn becomes #Canucks club record holder for hits in a single game.

He’s put up 12 hits vs CBJ over 12:16 of ice time.

— Joey Kenward (@kenwardskorner) March 25, 2019

Luke Schenn has laid more big hits tonight than Gudbranson did in his entire #Canucks career.

— Dan Riccio (@DanRiccio650) March 25, 2019

“As long as Schenn roams the earth, evil can never harm the pure of heart.”

Seriously though, when did Eriksson land three hits? I need video proof that his ever happened.

BEST JERRY MAGUIRE

“I am out here for you. You don’t know what it’s like to be ME out here for YOU. It is an up-at-dawn, pride-swallowing siege that I will never fully tell you about, OK? Help me… help you. Help me, help you, Loui.”

A new challenger for backup goalie has entered! Alex Edler, you are on notice. Look how square to the puck Schenn keeps himself! Half of Edler’s saves are because he’s out of position, but not Luke. Luke’s a butterfly backup.

BEST EYES WIDE SHUT

I feel like his backwards J scar is foreshadowing for some kind of 3rd Joker spin-off movie

— Ryan Little (@rLittle67) March 25, 2019

“I do love you and you know there is something very important we need to do as soon as possible.”

“What’s that?”

“Hit.”

BEST ALL THE RIGHT MOVES

Tis better to hit in hell than sit in heaven

— Matt de Boer (@dukeofshuggles) March 25, 2019

“Schenn didn’t quit, you quit!”

BEST COLLATERAL

“So you’re telling me the guy walks into a phone booth and shazam, changes into a meat-eater super assassin on ice? What’s he do, squeeze them in between shifts?”

The reason Schenn unleashed his inner beast was because of the hit above. I made it a video so you could hear the stomach-turning thud of the hit landing.

And if you’re wondering why Josh Anderson decided that Sunday was the day Alex Edler must die, it’s because players like to keep receipts:

Alex Edler's big hit on Josh Anderson 💪 #Canucks #VANvsCBJ pic.twitter.com/wb8I6gtjVY

— Hockey Guy (@FlyingSkate94) January 13, 2018

Josh clearly remembered this hit, and it appears he wanted to get his pound of flesh.

Now, as for the hit itself, it feels like it should have warranted a penalty. This is one of those argument-inducing moments, though, because it involves a player turning away from an incoming player. We’ve seen the NHL not hand out a penalty for boarding before based on the fact that a player has turned away from a hit at the last second, and it’s definitely one of those debates where you wonder how much onus do you put on the players themselves not to knowingly put themselves in a dangerous spot. And maybe if Josh Anderson had taken a step or two to land the hit, you could go with the fact that it was bad timing all around. Don Cherry will probably do a five-minute video dedicated to what a worm Edler is or something for turning away from a good Canadian kid.

It’s just, Josh sprinted in from Bridgeview to land the hit. The Columbus broadcast had a better angle:

“Rule 42: Charging shall mean the actions of a player who, as a result of distance traveled, shall violently check an opponent in any manner. A “charge” may be the result of a check into the boards, into the goal frame or in open ice.

Literally the only time Josh Anderson stops skating, from just inside the blueline, is for the split second he readies himself up to throw the hit. He is a big boy at 6-foot-3 and 220 pounds. That hit could have really hurt Edler.

That’s charging all day and every day.

BEST ROCK OF AGES

This is old school angry Edler… I like him when he's mad

— Cam Barra (@CamJBarra) March 25, 2019

“Sniff the glass! Whoo!”

An angry Edler is a fun Edler because it means he throws some hits. Alas, Edler’s wonky back has meant he doesn’t get to deliver the hits quite as often as you’d want, but every once in a while he reminds us the lessons Matthias Ohlund taught him about how to destroy someone both spiritually and physically.

BEST TOP GUN

“No. No, Jake, this is not a good idea.”

“Sorry, Goose, but it’s time to buzz the tower.

As Botchford pointed out in the last Athletties, Jake Virtanen let up on what looked like an easy hit. The flyby was noticed by all.

Sunday, perhaps trying to atone for the flyby, Jake went all in on a hit on Seth Jones, only to Steve Bernier himself into the boards.

Honestly, good effort in trying to land the hit, Seth Jones just happened to read the play and was skilled enough to reverse course and avoid it.

Who amongst us hasn’t blown our spot in hockey going for a hit.

BEST A FEW GOOD MEN

“Son, we live in a world that has nets, and those have to be guarded by men with pads.”

This was the kind of game where this was one of the best chances of the game.

It’s also the type of game where you wish for a future that doesn’t involve Bo Horvat playing with Tanner Pearson and Loui Eriksson.

We were also this close to getting a first NHL goal for Ashton Sautner, who had a goalie without a stick at his mercy.

But, Hockey Gods, stairs, etc.

This was not a good game.

BEST COMFORTABLE SAVE

If you’re wondering “hey where’s the Pettersson and Boeser section” well I have some bad news for you.

Yes, I never thought I’d see the day Elias would win the award for most comfortable save, but here we are. This was after two failed attempts to gain the zone by Pettersson on the power play, by the way.

If ever there was a game that Elias looked mortal, it was this one. Petey and Brock, who have been playing so well as of late, just got absolutely buried in this game. From a puck possession/shot metric point of view? Destroyed. Worst on the team. From a creativity/dangerous looking point of view? Awful. Nonexistent for most of the game.

Look, even Batman and Superman have an off day, so this isn’t coming down on them as awful players obviously. But if we’re keeping them honest, Sunday was one of their worst games of the season.

Honestly, when is the last time you saw Pettersson enter a zone and just muffin it on net instead of getting it to Boeser? When is the last time we didn’t even have at least one gif of Pettersson doing his dekes??

BEST UNCOMFORTABLE SAVE

Markus Granlund was the surprise winner of this awardwhen he had the best chance for the Canucks. Goldobin, who was invisible for most of the night, fed the puck over to Granlund who got off a hard shot that Bobrovsky managed to get a glove on.

And yeah that was it for offensive chances.

Bad game.

Awful.

BEST CALL OUT

Or how the drum beat for Go Canucks Go is still too slow #SingleIssue

— Anna Forsyth (@aforsyth03) March 25, 2019

The drumbeat is very slow, Anna is not wrong.

BEST FUTURE VISION

@TheStanchion my submission is this couple of beauts pic.twitter.com/fNW2RcQQCt

— Nicholas Watts (@NACWatts) March 25, 2019

Selling jerseys before his first game. Hughes is primed to take over this town with Petey if he’s even half as good as we think he is.

BEST LEGEND SIGHTING

@TheStanchion I feel bad for you. Got a Sundin and a couple ladies wearing #5 with "Torts" pic.twitter.com/NkiTYL68Uz

— Cam Barra (@CamJBarra) March 25, 2019

Any time a Canucks Ultra-Legend Mats Sundin jersey is spotted, it will be featured in the Athletties.

BEST MURDERERS’ ROW

None of these players left this city on good terms.

BEST SUNDIN RULE

As promised. Some AssHat is wearing a Sundin Jersey. #HockeyTwitter #Canucks x @ChrisFaber39 pic.twitter.com/EFJ7ac64rm

— ❤💛🖤Joshua Coghlan – IG 》 (@JCog88) March 25, 2019

If 57 people wear Sundin jerseys then 56 people get into The Athlettties.

Except you Steve. You know why.

BEST THROWBACK

Not gonna lie I had to google it. Before my time @TheStanchion pic.twitter.com/3hQKCtEn7r

— Rob (@RLovsin17) March 25, 2019

Find me a better eighth-round draft pick from the Canucks ever.

BEST WAIT, WHAT?

excuse me? @TheStanchion pic.twitter.com/RwnbPxLvyJ

— Brendan (@bwhitmore_13) March 25, 2019

How?

Why?

BEST BAUMER-MAN

@TheStanchion pic.twitter.com/VUb39O6Ge6

— oh okay (@hamjuice) March 25, 2019

BEST RKO OUT OF NOWHERE

I know it was last game, but I have to give a shoutout to the CBC editors for quickly scrubbing Randy Orton out of this video. The last thing kids need to see is Randy out on the ice dropping people with RKOs out of nowhere, so good for them for making it seem like an innocent fall. Hopefully, Mike Smith can recover in time for their feud at Wrestlemania.

We probably need a top-10 list of the worst Mike Smith dives of all time, to be honest. It’s also kind of sad that I don’t think this would even crack his top-five dives.

I still can’t stop watching it though.

Why does he have to appeal to the refs afterward like he’s asking the fans if they’re not entertained?

Does he wear his helmet loose so he can make a dramatic “I’ve just been hit so hard my gear exploded” dive anytime someone touches him?

If he’s at home and he asks for the milk and the person passing it to him bumps his hand by accident does he fly backward through a window? Is he an M Night Shyamalan character?

Why Mike? Why?

(Photo: Jeff Vinnick / Getty Images)